Mathematics Declared ‘gay’ by Norristown Students

NORRISTOWN,PA—In what many are describing as a ‘shocking’ discovery, the entire field of mathematics was declared as being gay Monday morning by students at the Roosevelt Alternative School in Norristown.

Upon receiving a homework assignment , consisting of logarithmic expansions, and “some other dumb shit” , area High School student  Joshua Carpenter announced to the entire class that the  subject was “completely gay” according to students. The indisputable claims regarding the orientation of what experts describe as “the study of quantity, structure, space, and change” have yet to this date been raised with such vehemence, according to sources.

“I don’t know why we need to learn this gay shit anyways” questioned Jenna Waits, a junior in Vanessa Waugh’s Algebra 2 class. In regards to the mathematical constant e, whose discovery is credited to some of the greatest minds of the 15th and 16th centuries, “It’s just a bunch dumb, useless letters and stuff” said Waits, in a comment which singlehandedly derided several hundred years of work by mathematicians throughout history. It is unclear at this time why Jacob Bernoulli and Leonhard Euler did not come to similar conclusions in the past.

In addition to the unrest in the classroom created by a lecture on the natural logarithm, students voiced similar concerns about other branches of mathematics.

“She always assigns us way too much homework, especially on Mondays,” said 11th grader Edward Mckenny, who described much of the material the class had been covering as “retarded nonsense.”  The class as a whole was quick to dismiss the work of immeasurable genius throughout history as worthless trifle.

Mckenny added comment on the appearance of several famous mathematicians in                             his textbook, Elementary and Intermediate Algebra. “Comon, just looking at these guys you can tell they are a bunch of homos (sic).” Mckenny stated in regards to a portrait of German mathematician Bernhard Riemann. “Hella gay” another classmate added.

Despite assertions made by her students, Ms. Waugh made such claims as  “We can get through this faster if you will all just settle down” and “You will see why this is important in the next chapter.” Students quietly rebutted these remarks with mutterings of  “such bullshit” and “yeah, right.”

17 out of the 24 polled students in Waugh’s class were “fully convinced” that math itself was of homosexual orientation. Two students refused to take part in the poll, including one Mathew Pett. “I’m trying to learn here” claimed Pett, who was unavailable for further comment beyond “I think it’s a sad, sad world we are coming to.” Not to the surprise of most students, Pett was declared gay by classmates earlier on in the semester.

At this point, further studies inside Roosevelt Alternate High School are being conducted to build evidence for “History” to be declared “boring as shit” and Chemistry “bisexual”.

-A.D. 8/12/2011

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